ANDROID MANIFESTO: 'Battlestar Galactica' -- Old versus New

 

By Dave Conde

Me? Watch TV? Don't make me sick. You kids today with your 500 cable channels and fancy computer-generated effects wouldn't know a good science-fiction epic if a half-naked Borg served it to you on the bloated corpse of Jar Jar Binks. Back in my day we had some good, old fashioned space opera. Like Battlestar Galactica. Not that crazy Battlestar Galactica you get nowadays where everyone's secretly a robot only nobody can tell. Hasn't anyone ever heard of X-rays? If my buddy with a pacemaker can't get through an airport, I'm sure we can tell who's a robot. I could always spot a robot a mile away, even if... Where was I?

Oh right, the old Battlestar Galactica (BSG for short) was far superior to the new one, and here's why:

Adama

If you had to pick out a leader to guide ''a rag-tag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest for a shining planet known as Earth'',how could you not pick Pa Cartwright? If Lorne Greene could manage the Ponderosa Ranch, keeping Little Joe and Hoss in line, he could lead a bunch of refugees through space.

Sure, the new Adama, Edward James Olmos, has shown leadership by teaching inner-city kids math. But for the role of Adama, you need a man with the numerical mastery to convert dog years into people years IN HIS HEAD!

Olmos may have geek-cred from his role in 'Bladerunner,' but can he do magic? Lorne can do magic and have a heart-warming moment with his son, Apollo, at the same time.

Watch the full episode here.

(I bet he could bend spoons, too.)

Starbuck

Photo Credit(Carole Segal/AP)

Next there's the character Starbuck. Katee Sackhoff in the new show may be pretty, but I'm secure enough in my masculinity to say "So was Dirk Benedict." Looks aside, who would you rather watch: An angry, bitter malcontent at odds with the world, 

Or a happy-go-lucky charmer with a heart of gold?

Watch the full episode here.

Still unconvinced? Let's look at how these characters would hold up outside of the Battlestar Galactica setting. Katee took her grumpy loner character to the Bionic Woman.

(Does her hissing stage-whisper add drama or just hurt her throat?)
On the other hand, Dirk took his cheerful cockiness to the A-Team.

Watch the full episode here.

(Note the Cylon cameo.)

And where's the Bionic Woman now? Canceled, that's where! Where's the A-Team? Well, also canceled, but being made into a movie. Final point: Dirk's Starbuck was around way before the coffee company ran the name into the ground.

Hottness
A lot of press has been given to all of the attractive actresses cast in the new BSG into previously male roles. True enough, but that horribly short-changes the beautiful actresses in the original show. There were Andromeda and Casseopia (the 'socialator' with a heart of gold) who vied for the attention of Starbuck. Did you forget a young Jane Seymour, who was also a Bond Girl and Medicine Woman? And what about the time they landed on that casino planet?

Watch the full episode here.

Showgirls with two mouths?! C'mon! Do I have to draw you a picture?

And what about the distaff viewers? Does the new BSG provide eye candy for the ladies and certain open-minded gentlemen? Before you answer too quickly, take a look at this clip from the original show:

Watch the full episode here.

Now that you've watched it, you can't unwatch it.

Never work with Children and Animals
Finally, allow me to remind you of Muffet - the robot dagget (dog) built as a companion for the cute kid, Boxey, on the original show. Did you know that Muffet was portrayed by a monkey in a fur suit? Seriously, a monkey ... in a fur suit. What kind of human being puts a monkey in a fur suit?

Watch the full episode here.

The producers of the original BSG, that's who. They cared enough about their viewers to torture a monkey for your enjoyment. The new show wouldn't do that for you. Maybe they'd torture a rat or pester a rabbit, but they don't care enough about you to harm a primate like the old show did. And that deserves some loyalty, dammit.

 --Dave Conde believes that there may yet be brothers of man who even now fight to survive somewhere beyond the heavens. Send your robot sightings and comments to androidmanifesto@clear365.com

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