By Dave Conde
''Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The swine cannot hear the swineherd;
Eggs fall apart, the skillet cannot hold.
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world''
From the Revelation of St. Porcine
Since the first hog was butchered, prophets have been predicting the Bacopocalypse. One need not be a prophet, however, to see the signs. Just look around you, or better yet just scroll down to witness the dread portents.
Sign #1: Bacon in a can
- What?
It's bacon. In a can. MREdepot.com proudly offers these cans by the case to line the walls of your secret underground bunker.
- Why it's a dread omen of the Bacopocalypse:
While many dismiss them as crackpots, survivalists perform an invaluable service as society's canary in the coalmine. Their tendency to overreact to the smallest possible threat makes them the first to see the signs. When squirrels hoard extra nuts in their burrows, you can expect a long winter. When survivalists are stockpiling bacon in their burrows, it's time to get frying.
Sign #2: Bacon Soap
- What?
This is NOT generic novelty soap squished into a bacon-shape like some McRib. This is real, old school soap made out of real bacon grease. If you saw Fight Club then you know that soap is made from fat; it might as well be bacon.
- Why it's a dread omen of the Bacopocalypse:
You know you always wanted to rub bacon all over your naked body. Some of you have already tried it. Now you can do it without being mobbed by the neighborhood dogs afterward.
Sign #3: Bacon Bra
- What?
Or maybe you need to take it a step further and have to feel pure bacon on your flesh. For you, or for your girlfriend (in which case it's really being done for you, and you owe her big time), we have the bacon brassiere. Note that the straps are removable to minimize tan lines and provide a tasty snack.
- Why it's a dread omen of the Bacopocalypse:
What are the two greatest sources of power in the universe? Boobs and bacon, obviously. (It was a rhetorical question.) Putting them together is like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters. Is it going to make all life as we know it stop instantaneously and every molecule in your body explode at the speed of light? Well, I haven't heard a single one of your so-called ''scientists'' claim that it won't. Not one. That's a unified scientific consensus right there.
Sign #4: Bacon Tuxedo
- What?
It's a Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. Imagine what you could do wearing a tux made of to look like bacon. This guy didn't get a girl like that in no seersucker suit. No how. But with this tux and matching bow tie, you can tell that he's getting all the ladies. That look in his eyes… I want to sign up for this man's real estate seminar.
- Why it’s a dread omen of the Bacopocalypse:
OK, so this is a product created for April Fools' Day by the website Archie McFee. But, for just a moment, you believed it could be real. It's like that old courtroom scene where the defense calls their next witness: the alleged murder victim. Everyone gasps and looks to the door, but no one appears. The defense says, ''Gotcha. But you all believed that the victim could walk through that door, thus you have doubt that my client killed him and you must acquit.'' If the world is so porked-up that you believed in a bacon tuxedo, can real bacon tuxedos be far behind?
Sign #5: Bacon Salad Bowl
- What?
It's a salad bowl made of bacon. It's a simple idea; you just weave the bacon like a basket over an upside-down muffin tin and bake. How could no one come up with this before? Three words: Secret Ceramic Cabal. They're clearly working behind the scenes to keep the bacon artisan down. Fight the power!
- Why it's a dread omen of the Bacopocalypse:
Like all red-blooded American males, I have viewed salads with suspicion and, let's face it, contempt. In fact, I have never eaten a salad in my life. But these bowls almost make me want to eat a salad. That's gotta be a sign of something.
Sign #6: Bacon Burger
- What?
''Big deal,'' I hear you saying. ''I can get a burger with bacon anywhere.'' Well, listen here, punk. This here ain't no ordinary burger. To paraphrase Charlton Heston, that's not beef. It's a slab of bacon run through a meat grinder, shaped into a patty and fried up in a skillet. Bacon. Burger. You think about that for a minute.
- Why it's a dread omen of the Bacopocalypse:
I want this baconburger. Just looking at the picture, I can feel my arteries clog, yet I still want this baconburger. As I write this, I am eating a perfectly good burger with bacon from down the street, but still I hunger for this baconburger.
Given the chance, this burger will kill you, and everyone you care about. And you will love it.
Sign #7: Bacon Ice Cream
- What?
Yep, that's vanilla ice cream made with bacon chunks. The picture is from an ice cream shop in Delaware, but there’s nothing to stop you from making it at home. In fact, my wife whipped up a batch of bacon and cheddar ice cream for a party we had. (Ha, ha, I married better than you did.)
- Why it's a dread omen of the Bacopocalypse:
Sounds good so far, but this tale reveals a hidden evil. Sure, the vanilla and bacon flavors go well together. And the sharp cheddar nicely contrasts with the sweet cream base. But the cold gives the cheese an awful plastic texture. It caused me to say something I never expected to utter:
''I think this has too much cheese in it.''
Even looking at it now, that sentence doesn't make sense. It looks like the English translation to "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" and we should await the colossal, porcine elder gods to awaken, fry us up and devour us. Possibly with Eldritch pancakes.
Thus we come to the end, not with a bang, but with a sizzle. Heed my words and gird your pork loins for battle on the field of Hamageddon.
--Dave Conde has long harbored a secret desire to convert to Judaism, but just can't give up the bacon. Send your recipes and comments to androidmanifesto@clear365.com
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