Android Manifesto: Bizarre USB devices

By Dave Conde

USB ports (or Universal Serial Bus, if you're nasty). You've got a few of them in your computer right now. And like anything else, if you've got an open port, there are people lined up to stick something in it. And most of the time it will be a bad idea.

At first, you plugged your mouse, printer, or blackberry into your USB port and that was fine. Then they invented those memory sticks, aka thumb drives, and that was fine, too. Until they ruined it.

Case in point:
Mooncake Drive
 
It's a little thumb drive in the shape of a traditional Chinese pastry that would be eaten during the Mid-Autumn Festival. That's fine, kinda cute, but it opens the door, see. It makes you realize that a thumb drive could look like anything.

Teddy Bear Drive
 

Speaking of cute, who wouldn't like to have a little teddy bear on their desk? And when you need to use the memory, just rip its little head off and jam the stump of a neck into your USB port.

Ahem, Humping Dog Drive

I can imagine the product design session:
''The decapitated teddybears did well. What should our next thumb drives look like?''
''How about some cute dogs? Everyone likes dogs.''
''I like it! We also have these little motors we can put in the drives so they will move. What kind of movement would a little dog stuck into your computer make?''
''I know! Why don't we make the dog look like it is hu...''

Does the Japanese language not have words for ''No, sir. I don't think that's a good idea''? (If you've read ahead, you know the answer is ''No''.)  I try not to judge other cultures, but the caption on their website for the above picture is ''USB meets LOVE.'' Oh, and they have a movie of the dogs. I can't in good conscience recommend that you watch it.

Webcams
Another common USB appliance is the webcam. What could go wrong?

Bunny Webcam

Well, the cuteness trend continues with the brilliant idea of shoving the camera into a little bunny. (The camera lens is in its nose.) What could be untoward about a webcam that doesn't look like a webcam? Best case-"Nanny"cam. Worst case-"Unsuspecting coed"cam.

Microscope cam

OK, I'll admit that there's not too much wrong with a microscope that connects to your computer. Sure, you'll only use it twice before shoving it in a drawer, but that's true about most gadgets. I showed you this mostly to show the progression to our next item...

Endoscope cam

At this point, you're either wondering what an endoscope is or you're shifting uncomfortably in your seat, possibly crossing your legs. For the benefit of the first group, an endoscope is the little, but not little enough, camera that they shove into various bodily orifices to look for polyps and whatnot. Now, officially, this USB version is not for internal use. It's for looking under furniture and around corners. But you know and I know that a bunch of these are going up somewhere they really shouldn't.
There, now we're all squirming uncomfortably in our seats.

Join me again next week for part two, where we will see what other body parts can be violated by USB devices.

--Dave Conde is refraining from posting the pictures of the more, um, anatomical adult novelties that are USB compatible. You and your therapist should thank him for that. Send your flash drives and comments to: [email protected]

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