By Dave Conde
As we learned in the last blog, Bizarre USB Devices Part 1, just because you can stick something in a hole in your computer doesn't mean you should. We have, however, only scratched the surface. Now, in our second installment, we'll explore attempts to use the ubiquitous port on the side of your computer to master heat and cold.
Like most roads to Hell, we start with a good intention.
USB Mug Warmer/Cooler
This is a reasonable idea. Most of us, sitting in front of a computer have a mug of something or other on the desk and it's not too much of a stretch to use the power from the USB port to run a Peltier cooler/heater to heat or cool your drink. Not exactly necessary (most of us just use an insulated travel mug), but useful nonetheless.
If the mug warmer is the start of the slippery slope, where do we cross the line? It seems a small step to the USB Lunchbox:
If you're the type of person who eats lunch at your desk and never sees the light of day, this will keep your lunch warm without the horrifying burden of taking it down the hall to the communal microwave. Not too bad. I don't think we've crossed the line yet, but what about the USB refrigerator?
Is it too much to ask to be able to plug a device into your computer to keep your drinks cold? How about when you consider that refrigerators are usually the biggest power drains in the average home and you want to plug one into your laptop? Is that a little much?
On the warming side how about USB Gloves to keep your hands warm at the desk?
I know that keeping your hands and wrists warm can help with carpal-tunnel issues, but do you want to start tethering yourself to your computer? And does it help or hurt that they look like decapitated bear heads?
The next obvious step is keeping your feet warm, as seen in these USB slippers.
These are probably better than the space heaters that people put under their desks to stay warm and short out the office fuses. Symbolically, is there any stronger way to show that you are trapped in a soul-crushing job than to connect your feet to your computer like some Georgian chain gang?
And what if you don't need warming but rather cooling? Obviously you need an air-conditioned shirt.
There is no better way to stay cool in a hot office while simultaneously looking like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man than the USB shirt. Well, this guy looks kinda silly, but I'm sure it'll look good on you.
Has your air-condidtioned shirt made your chest too cold? No problem, you can just use another of your USB ports to power these "Bust Beauty Pads." That's right--pads that you plug into your computer that apply heat to your bust.
Now, I can't read Japanese but I'm familiar with their gadget-proclivities and I would wager that these are not only intended to keep you warm on a winter's day, but they are supposed to induce breast growth. And they should work as well as any of the organ-growth products that flood your inbox, plus at least they could keep you warm.
I know that one of the keys to inventing is filling a need that no one else is filling, but a breast warmer? I mean, maybe I'm exposing my own male ignorance, but are cold breasts a current pandemic? Sure, any part of your body can get cold, and I'm all for taking care of your more "sensative" parts, but why not a sweater?
It's easy to imagine that the sharp, inventive minds behind this product have never had the opportunity to see an actual woman's breasts. Of course, if the target market consists of other men such as themselves, sitting in their moms' basements, eating Twinkies in front of the keyboard, they may have their own breasts to keep warm. Or, as in the picture, those of their mannequins.
Cold mannequin breasts. Now there's a need that wasn't being filled by the marketplace.
--Dave Conde risks his own sanity searching the dark corners of the internet to bring back the things you don't need to see. Send pictures of your cold body parts and comments to: [email protected]
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