T.I. goes to prison, Madonna goes to Africa -- and is that Beyonce's limo pulling out of the Taco Bell drive-thru? It's all in this week's Soundbites ...
** Seems as if a week doesn't go by anymore by without some artist or another getting in hot water with the law. Last week was no exception: Chart-topping rapper T.I. -- real name, Clifford Harris -- was sentenced Friday to one year and a day in prison after pleading guilty to federal weapons charges. He'd tried to buy a stash of machine guns and silencers -- and didn't quite pull it off as planned.
** Welfare officials in Malawi have confirmed that Madonna is doing her best to keep up with the Jolie-Pitts: The pop superstar is in the process of adopting a Malawian child, her second from the impoverished southern African nation. A source close to the case says Miss Madge will appear in court beginning Monday to formally adopt a 4-year-old girl. The toddler, named Chifundo James, has until now been staying at a children's center run by Madonna's charity.
** It's tax season, folks, and we're thinking you'd better be extra-careful with those 1040s -- or else wind up like Method Man. The hip-hop artist was shocked last week when New York state tax collectors seized his 2008 Lincoln Navigator from his home, because he owed more than $50,000 in back taxes. Of course, if you run in Method Man's celeb circle, you can blame your negligence on smoking one too many blunts. But the rest of us minionscan't really get away with that excuse.
** Is Coldplay pressing the pause button? Sounds like the Grammy-winning band is seriously contemplating a break once they wrap up their current world tour. Find out why.
** Black Sabbath is going 2.0! The band's entire back catalog -- all 18 albums -- will for the first time be available for digital download starting this Tuesday. And for fans who still prefer to man-handle their 'Iron Man,' Sabbath's classic second album, 'Paranoid,' will be re-released on CD next week, as well. Get the complete details here.
** From star couple Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to politicians like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, more and more celebrities are hopping on the Twitter bandwagon these days. That said, we weren't too surprised to hear that rapper 50 Cent has joined the Twitter gang -- though it seems he can't be bothered to post his own updates. What's the deal?
** Beyonce thought she was looking pretty bootylicious earlier this month, when she hit the streets of New York to film a promo video for her upcoming 'I Am ...' tour. Critics, however, are saying otherwise. See what the 'weight-y' controversy is all about.
** Joaquin actin' a fool? (You don't say.) According to Phoenix's 'Two Lovers' director, James Gray, the wannabe hip-hop star is "making a fool of himself" -- and his strange and obnoxious behavior has derailed attention away from the movie he was supposed to be promoting. Still the question remains: Is this all a hoax? Check out what Gray has to say about Joaquin's trip off the deep-end.
** Crooner Robin Thicke has made a name for himself among pop and R&B fans, but he isn't the first member of his family to top the charts. Here, Thicke talks about his music -- and his biggest inspiration:
** Finally, a tip of the hat to pop/country singer 'England' Dan Seals, who died last Wednesday at age 61 after a two-year battle with cancer. Here's hoping that wherever he is, there'll always be a warm wind blowin' the stars around.
That's it for this week's Soundbites. Until next time, check out ClearMusic for all the latest music news and downloads!
Statues of dock workers
decorate the plaza in front of the Excel exhibition center in east London, which is the venue for the upcoming G20 meeting. (AP Photo/Lefteris
Pitarakis)
G20: Twenty heads of state, including U.S. President Barack Obama, will meet in London next week for the economic-minded G20 Summit. The summit of the world's leading economies comes amidst a global economic crisis that will be at the top of the agenda. The consequences of trade protection, the need for increased regulation of the world's financial markets and the merits of immediate stimulus spending will be among the topics discussed at the April 2 summit. China also has been more vocal in the lead up to the summit, particularly warning about the stability of the U.S. dollar.
NATO TURNS 60: The North Atlantic Treaty Organization turns 60 on April 4 and ceremonies will be held over two days in France and Germany to mark the occasion. The group's first Secretary General, Lord Ismay, infamously said its goal was "to keep the Russians out, the Americans in, and the Germans down." With the demise of the Soviet Union and Germany's integration into the wider European community, NATO's goals have shifted over the years. NATO is playing a key role in military action in Afghanistan and is even protecting vessels traversing the pirate-infested shipping lanes off Somalia.
Internally, France is seeking to rejoin NATO's command structure, which it bolted from in 1966 because French leader Charles de Gaulle thought the United States and Britain wielded too much influence.
DEADLINE FOR BIBI: Incoming Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, also known as "Bibi," faces an April 3 deadline for forming a new coalition government. Efforts to establish peace between Israel and the Palestinians appeared to suffer a setback when the hawkish Netanyahu assumed power, but he has brought the centrist Labor Party into his coalition and has said he would become a partner in peacemaking with the Palestinians.
APRIL FOOL'S: Watch out for pranksters next Wednesday when the tricks will be flying on April Fool's Day.
President Barack Obama walks into his press conference at the end of the G20 Summit on Thursday at the ExCel center in London.(AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth)
** Kanye West's paparazzi throwdown last September at Los Angeles International Airport could have consequences a bit more serious than we expected. Late last week, L.A. city prosecutors filed charges against the Grammy-winning artist and his road manager. If convicted, could this mean time in 'Lockdown' for West? See for yourself.
** Music or marriage? We know which one Lady GaGa prefers! Find out what the 'Just Dance' hitmaker has to say about love and music.
** We know you're tired of hearing about the Chris Brown-Rihanna saga week after week, but we just had to include the latest update. Apparently after beating competitor Gabe Lemley during a match last Saturday, professional martial artist Din Thomas extended an offer to whip Brown's butt (at Rihanna's request). How much would you pay to see this fight?
** According to court documents filed last week, DJ AM -- real name, Adam Goldstein -- is seeking$20 million in damages related to the South Carolina plane crash last year that killed four, including Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker's body guard, Charles Nash, and and assistant, Chris Baker.
** Bruce Springsteen fans are rejoicing this week, and for good reason! Fans in New Jersey who cracked down on Ticketmaster after suffering through its online sales process -- which had directed buyers to a subsidiary that charged up to 50 times each ticket's face value -- are getting a second chance to purchase more fairly priced seats. A March 31 drawing will allow more than 1,800 formerly disgruntled fans to buy tickets for Springsteen's May 21 or May 23 Izod Center concerts, minus the monster mark-up.
** The 2009 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony is set for Saturday, April 4, at Cleveland's Public Auditorium. As always, inductees were chosen by a committee of 600 voters representing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Foundation. Grammy-winning rapper Eminem, rock legends Ronnie Wood (left) and Jimmy Page, and Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers are among this year's presenters. Check out the artists who made this year's Hall of Fame list.
** In last week's Soundbites, we turned you on to 'Blame It,' the music video for Jamie Foxx's chart-topping single featuring an all-star cast. This week, Jamie shares the video's surprising inspiration. Check it out below!
Until next time, find the latest music headlines, gossip and downloads at ClearMusic,
-- Joyce Liao, Clear365 Blogger
Image credits: - Lady GaGa, UMG/Streamline Records - Ronnie Wood, Associated Press
Let's start with the small stuff, specifically the Nano.
The tiny $2,000 car built by Indian automaker giant Tata Motors will make its official debut Tuesday in Mumbai, India, after several production delays. Tata is hoping that the affordable automobile will be welcomed in India and will replace the motorbike as the vehicle of choice.
MORE ON AIG
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will appear Tuesday before the House Financial Services Committee to answer more questions about the government bailout of American International Group. AIG has been in the hotseat since it was learned that the troubled insurer paid $165 million in bonuses recently to about 400 employees who worked in the finance division that nearly bankrupted the company. AIG has received about $182 billion in bailout money and Congress remains livid about the bonuses.
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton will travel to Mexico on Thursday and Friday and likely topics of conversation include the increase in border violence linked to Mexico's drug cartels and a cross-border trucking dispute that recently prompted Mexico to slap tariffs on 89 U.S. products ranging from food and wine to washing machines.
SHANGHAI CO-OP
The U.S. State Department is sending a senior diplomat to next Friday's Russian-hosted meeting of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization. The conference is focusing on Afghanistan and the United States was invited as a guest, along with Iran, to discuss international efforts to stabilize the situation in Afghanistan.
PAPAL VISIT TO AFRICA ENDS
Pope Benedict XVI concludes his seven-day trip to Africa next week after receiving large crowds, particularly in Angola. Benedict was criticized by aid groups and some European leaders early in his trip when he said that condoms were not the answer to Africa's severe AIDS epidemic. The continent has the world's fastest-growing congregations of Catholics, yet still poses some serious problems for the Vatican.
PAKISTAN CHIEF JUDGE RESUMES POST
Pakistan's former chief justice, Iftikhar Mohammed Chaudhry, will resume his duties Sunday after the government conceded to the demands of activist lawyers and reinstated him and other judges who were fired in 2007 by former military ruler and U.S. ally Pervez Musharraf. It's widely believed that President Asif Ali Zardari lost important political power by reinstating Chaudhry and the other judges.
EARTH HOUR
The third annual Earth Hour will be observed Saturday, March 28, from 8:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. local time when people in cities across the world will turn off their lights to show their concern for global warming. Organizers are hoping that 1 billion people participate in the event, which last year left global icons such as San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge and the Sydney Opera House dark.
As we learned in the last blog, Bizarre USB Devices Part 1, just because you can stick something in a hole in your computer doesn't mean you should. We have, however, only scratched the surface. Now, in our second installment, we'll explore attempts to use the ubiquitous port on the side of your computer to master heat and cold.
Like most roads to Hell, we start with a good intention.
USB Mug Warmer/Cooler This is a reasonable idea. Most of us, sitting in front of a computer have a mug of something or other on the desk and it's not too much of a stretch to use the power from the USB port to run a Peltier cooler/heater to heat or cool your drink. Not exactly necessary (most of us just use an insulated travel mug), but useful nonetheless.
If the mug warmer is the start of the slippery slope, where do we cross the line? It seems a small step to the USB Lunchbox:
If you're the type of person who eats lunch at your desk and never sees the light of day, this will keep your lunch warm without the horrifying burden of taking it down the hall to the communal microwave. Not too bad. I don't think we've crossed the line yet, but what about the USB refrigerator? Is it too much to ask to be able to plug a device into your computer to keep your drinks cold? How about when you consider that refrigerators are usually the biggest power drains in the average home and you want to plug one into your laptop? Is that a little much?
On the warming side how about USB Gloves to keep your hands warm at the desk?
I know that keeping your hands and wrists warm can help with carpal-tunnel issues, but do you want to start tethering yourself to your computer? And does it help or hurt that they look like decapitated bear heads?
The next obvious step is keeping your feet warm, as seen in these USB slippers. These are probably better than the space heaters that people put under their desks to stay warm and short out the office fuses. Symbolically, is there any stronger way to show that you are trapped in a soul-crushing job than to connect your feet to your computer like some Georgian chain gang?
And what if you don't need warming but rather cooling? Obviously you need an air-conditioned shirt. There is no better way to stay cool in a hot office while simultaneously looking like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man than the USB shirt. Well, this guy looks kinda silly, but I'm sure it'll look good on you.
Has your air-condidtioned shirt made your chest too cold? No problem, you can just use another of your USB ports to power these "Bust Beauty Pads." That's right--pads that you plug into your computer that apply heat to your bust.
Now, I can't read Japanese but I'm familiar with their gadget-proclivities and I would wager that these are not only intended to keep you warm on a winter's day, but they are supposed to induce breast growth. And they should work as well as any of the organ-growth products that flood your inbox, plus at least they could keep you warm. I know that one of the keys to inventing is filling a need that no one else is filling, but a breast warmer? I mean, maybe I'm exposing my own male ignorance, but are cold breasts a current pandemic? Sure, any part of your body can get cold, and I'm all for taking care of your more "sensative" parts, but why not a sweater?
It's easy to imagine that the sharp, inventive minds behind this product have never had the opportunity to see an actual woman's breasts. Of course, if the target market consists of other men such as themselves, sitting in their moms' basements, eating Twinkies in front of the keyboard, they may have their own breasts to keep warm. Or, as in the picture, those of their mannequins. Cold mannequin breasts. Now there's a need that wasn't being filled by the marketplace.
--Dave Conde risks his own sanity searching the dark corners of the internet to bring back the things you don't need to see. Send pictures of your cold body parts and comments to: androidmanifesto@clear365.com
When it comes to household cleaners, you already know all the usual suspects. But have you tried any of these?
1. Shaving cream So you decide to get a head start on your spring cleaning and "rediscover" that unfortunate red-wine stain on the carpet -- the one you've been attempting to hide under the couch for the past couple of months. Before you convince yourself you're eternally stuck with a crooked sofa, try this simple solution: a dab of foaming shaving cream. Shaving cream can often remove red-wine spills from carpets; simply rub the foam on the soiled area until the stain comes out. (It's a good idea, by the way, to first test the foam on a small, hidden patch of rug, to check the reaction.) The longer the stain has set in, though, the tougher it can be to remove. If the spill's been there for more than a year, we suggest just shifting your TV set and coffee table to line up with that crooked couch.
2. Listerine If your bathroom is looking so grimey that you feel dirtier after you've showered, that's a clear indication you need to do some serious cleaning. We know it's hard to get to every nook and cranny -- especially the tough-to-reach spots between the bathroom tiles -- and who really wants to buy a bottle of grout cleaner they'll use a handful of times before it gets left to collect dust under the bathroom sink? Well, if you've got a bottle of Listerine in your medicine cabinet, then we've got the solution for you: Just pour some of the mouthwash into a spray bottle, spritz liberally around your tub and tiles, let sit for a couple of minutes, then scrub away. It'll make the entire area sparkle, and have your bathroom smelling minty fresh, too -- no toxic fumes. Who would've thought Listerine could clean your dirty mouth and your dirty tiles?
3. Peanut butter If you're like us, you want to use whatever new stuff you buy right away, whether it's glassware, picture frames, gadgets, the list goes on. There's only one problem: removing those eyesore sticker price labels that are always stuck on your shiny new "toys." Before you wear down your nails clawing away at the tags, head for the kitchen and grab a jar of peanut butter. A bit of the yummy spread will help unglue labels from most surfaces -- and after you've successfully accomplished the task, you can lick your fingers to reward yourself!
4. Newspaper We're all cutting back on spending these days, and for many of us, that includes bringing our lunches to work instead of eating out. We're all about packing our own lunches, but there is one thing that can make it a little less appetizing: Your meatloaf sandwich reeks of the lasagna you packed three days ago. No, your mind isn't playing tricks on you; it's that stinkin' plastic lunch box you're using. Next time, after you've washed and dried the plastic container, try stuffing a balled-up piece of newspaper inside and let it sit overnight before you re-pack. The newspaper acts as a deodorizer, which helps to absorb the old-food smells. Come morning, Aunt Ida's tuna casserole will be yesterday's news.
5. Cotton balls The one thing around that house that never gets any love? The trash can. Really, when was the last time your trash can smelled like fresh flowers? Now that spring cleaning is underway, don't forget to give your trash can a little TLC. Soak a cotton ball or two in essential oils (citrus scents are our favorites) and place it at the bottom of the container prior to putting in a new trash bag. The cotton ball will absorb and retain the oils, and keep your trash can smelling like sugar and spice (or orange or lavender) and everything nice!
6. Hair dryer and iron If the kids are a teeny bit too quiet upstairs, chances are you're in for a treat. But before you yell at the tykes because they crayoned a life-size Big Bird on your bedroom wall, save your vocal chords (and your sanity) with a roll of paper towels and a hair dryer. Use the hair dryer to heat the dried-on crayon wax, then simply wipe off with a paper towel. On carpet, clothing and other fabrics, use a hot iron instead: Just heat the iron, lie a paper towel over the crayoned-on area, and gently rub the iron over it. The towel absorbs the wax, your iron stays clean -- and you stay (relatively) calm and happy.
7. Powdered lemonade If your dishwasher smells like Bob the Body Builder after a particularly strenuous workout, it's time to give it a good cleaning. To get rid of that dank mildew smell, pour a packet of powered lemonade (like Kool-Aid or Wyler's) into your dishwasher's detergent cup and run a wash cycle. The non-toxic powder will make your dishwasher smell lemony fresh in no time -- and if you've got any left over, you can treat yourself to a tall, cool, refreshing glass of lemonade.
8. Bounce dryer sheets Before breaking out a bulldozer to get those tough-to-remove bits of who-knows-what stuck to the bottom of your baking pans, try using Bounce dryer sheets instead. The sheets' anti-static agents help weaken the bond between the food and the pan, while their fabric-softening agents help loosen baked-on food. (We know, this sounds a little weird. But it's safe, and it works.) Just put an unused sheet in your dirty pan, fill with water, let sit overnight and sponge clean -- Voila, wasn't that a piece of cake?
9. Fresh lemon slices We've all seen it -- more than once -- the horrible state of the microwave after heating up one-too-many plates of leftovers. The splatters of lunches and dinners long-gone desperately clinging to those microwave walls ... When the day finally comes that you find a stray broccoli bit from last month's stir fry in your dinner, it's time to do something about it. Here's what that something is: Put a slice of fresh lemon in a dish of water, put it in the microwave, and bring to a boil. Wait until there's plenty of steam, then open the microwave and wipe down its inside with a damp cloth. The oven will be clean, and the lemon's citrus sent will leave a pleasant lingering aroma.
10. Alka-Seltzer and car wax You've been scrambling to tidy up the house since your in-laws announced plans to visit (within hours), but your bathroom is far from squeaky clean. No cleaning supplies under the sink? No need to panic: A couple of Alka-Seltzers (we know you've got those!) and some car wax from the garage will solve your problems in a jiffy. To make toilet bowls shine, drop an Alka-Seltzer or two directly in the bowl and scrub; car wax is good for polishing bathroom faucets, sinks and showers, and it works wonders removing soap-and-water buildup. So what are you waiting for? Wax on, wax off and go Daniel-san on that bathroom!
Until next time ... Happy spring cleaning!
-- Joyce Liao & Jennifer Lee, Clear365 Bloggers
DISCLAIMER: While we're all for the awesome household-cleaning solutions listed above, please use at your own discretion. In the extremely unlikely event your dishwasher overflows with lemonade, or the shaving cream turns your carpet a sickly shade of yellowish green, don't call us to yell about it.
Spring cleaning feels like less of a chore when you're listening to good music: Download your favorite scrubbing songs atClearMusic
The music headlines have been all about chaos and controversy, and it's all in this week's Soundbites ...
** Pulling a prank -- or just being a punk? Joaquin "Thug Life" Phoenix annoyed us once again with his obnoxious demeanor and wannabe hip-hop antics. (Are you as tired of this act as we are?) During yet another one of his bizarre performances -- this time, at LIV nightclub inside Miami's glam Fontainebleau hotel -- the aspiring rapper not only failed to do much rapping, he also got into a heated yelling match with a member of the audience. It ended with Phoenix being escorted out of the club by security -- after he dove into the crowd and attacked the (planted?) heckler. Of course, Phoenix's brother-in-law/personal documentarian Casey Affleck was on hand to capture all the action on camera. Watch the whole sorry scene, if you can take it ...
** It's been another crazy week for the Chris Brown camp as they try to salvage what's left of his career. Controversy stirred when Nickelodeon revealed its decision to keep Brown as a nominee for its annual Kids' Choice Awards despite the outpouring of protests; eventually Brown withdrew himself from the nominations. And as more and more radio stations continued to drop his music, Jive Records labelmate T-Pain (who featured vocals by Brown on his song 'Freeze') offered music directors an alternate version of the track, sans Brown. While we have a pretty good idea where Brown's career is headed, we're not as sure about his battered girlfriend Rihanna, who's stirred up her own controversy by reconciling with her alleged abuser. Find out what Oprah, Tyra and music-industry insiders have to say.
** Wednesday's 'American Idol' viewers got a double dose of star power, thanks to guest performances by two Grammy-winning artists. (Who were they? Hint: 'Idol' lucky #13 contestant Anoop Desai said earlier in the week that he hoped to meet one of the musicians, to talk about a possible collab.) Check it out and see for yourself!
** West Coast rapper Coolio could be livin' his 'Gangster's Paradise' in the slammer if convicted of the cocaine possession felony and battery misdemeanor charges he was slapped with after being arrested last Friday at Los Angeles International Airport. In related news, rapper C-Murder, who violated the rules of his house arrest, must now remain behind bars until his scheduled April trial for the death of a 16-year old boy who was killed during a 2002 nightclub brawl.
** Last week we told you about Jacko's highly anticipated return to the stage ... but if you didn't get tickets, it's probably too late! We're told that all 50 of Michael Jackson's comeback concerts at London's O2 Arena sold out within minutes of going on sale -- that's about 1 million tickets total. Jackson's "final curtain call" kicks off July 9.
Finally, for your listening and/or viewing enjoyment, here's our featured music video of the week: Jamie Foxx's chart-topping 'Blame It.' Check out the cameos by Ron Howard and Jake Gyllenhaal!
That's all for this week's Soundbites ... until next time, get the latest music news and downloads at ClearMusic.
PI DAY Tomorrow, March 14, marks the annual celebration of Pi Day. You remember pi from high school geometry class, it's the mathematical constant that represents the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter. Pi is a so-called transcendental number and it begins 3.1415926535897932384626433832795 (that's from memory). Since tomorrow is 3/14, the beginning of pi, math geeks call it Pi Day.
OPEC MEETING On a more serious note, ministers from the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries meet in Vienna on Sunday to consider future oil production output levels. The International Energy Agency today cut its forecast for global oil demand, which normally would trigger a drop in daily production by OPEC to stabilize prices. The global financial crisis, however, is making matters more tricky. Another cut in production could prolong the worldwide recession and also could backfire if it pushes demand further down, leading to lower oil prices.
"They don't want to be seen as fueling recession further, which is what they're going to be seen as doing if they reduce production more," London-based analyst John Hall told The Associated Press.
ST. PATRICK'S DAY St. Patrick's Day is March 17 and Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen, along with Northern Ireland First Minister Peter Robinson and Deputy Leader Martin McGuiness, will celebrate at the White House with President Obama. IRA dissidents recently shot a policeman in the back of the head in Northern Ireland, marking the first killing of a policeman there since 1988. Dissidents two days earlier shot and killed two British soldiers outside their Northern Ireland base -- the first killing of British troops since 1997. Protestants and Catholics gathered today for the funeral of 48-year-old Stephen Carroll, the constable killed in the attack. That's a hopeful sign that the 1998 Good Friday peace accord will remain intact.
As for meeting with Obama, that should be a real day of celebration since the president's great-great-great-grandfather on his mother's side was a cobbler from Moneygall -- a small town on the Dublin-to-Limerick road. The Irish have certainly embraced Obama, including the YouTube music hit below, "There's No One as Irish as Barack Obama."
IRAQ WAR ANNIVERSARY Next Thursday also is the sixth anniversary of the start of the war in Iraq. President Obama has announced plans to remove all U.S. combat troops from Iraq by September 2010 and end the U.S. mission there by the end of 2011.
MARCH MADNESS Let the madness begin! The annual college basketball tournament starts next week with 65 teams hoping to reach the Final Four -- where only one champion will be crowned. The madness already has started with Syracuse eking out a 127-117 win over Connecticut in a whopping six overtimes last night in a Big East tournament game.
SPRING IS ABOUT TO BE SPRUNG Yup. Say good-bye to winter. The spring equinox occurs March 20 at 4:44 a.m. PDT and that means spring for all of us in the northern hemisphere. Finally.
It all started, I think, with pagers. Does anyone remember pagers? They were little boxes that clipped to your belt. Doctors and drug-dealers all had one. People could call a phone number and send you a message. Before cell-phones. Yes, Virginia, there was a time before cell phones. We had pagers back then and somebody had the idea to put vibrating motors in them so you could be notified of a message without bothering people. Seemed to make sense.
Then, believe it or not, when cell phones came out it took a while to put vibrating motors into them, but eventually they all had them for ''silent alert'' mode. Soon came the video game controllers, where the vibrations signaled crashes and explosions. The vibratory medium had become the message. Enough vibrating motors were produced that the cost dropped to almost nothing. And then, all hell broke loose.
1. Vibrating Pillow This pillow contains a microphone that listens for your snoring. Then, keeping with the vibration-as-alert theme, it will shake your face awake so you will reposition your head and hopefully start breathing normally. Plus, it has an audio-out jack so you can record your repeated sounds of snoring/vibrating/swearing/repositioning, at least until it suddenly switches to the sounds of someone on the sidewalk saying, ''I dunno. It looks like someone threw their pillow out the window.''
According to this promotional video, ''Snoring is not a medical condition. Snorers do not need medical treatment – just the 'Snore Reduction Pillow', which helps to reduce snoring.'' Can you imagine an American company saying that? It almost makes me wish I were a lawyer so I could sue them, but you know they couldn't have that much money, so I'd end up owning a warehouse full of vibrating pillows and you wouldn't wish that on anyone.
2. Vibrating chair Oh, you've seen vibrating chairs, have you? Tried one out at the mall? I guess I can't impress you. You've been around. But wait? Did I mention this chair utilizes ''Tactile Sound''?
That's right, this chair uses vibroacoustics to relax the hell out of you, whether you want it or not. Developed by reverse-engineering the abductee-probing equipment found at Roswell (I'm making assumptions here based on the picture, but hey, look at the thing), this chair will direct a precision strike of intense sound vibrations deep into your spleen, or possibly bladder. This is considered good for some reason.
3. Vibrating Pet Glove
Many vibrating inventions were created to make daily tasks easier. For example, how many times have you found yourself too tired to pet your cat. I mean you have to move your arm, or at least your hand, and who has the strength for that? Now, with the Pet Massage Glove, you don't have to exert any effort at all to create an inter-species bond with your pet.
Utilizing the battery-powered vibrating motors within this fleece glove, you are sure to earn the love of your family pet. Unless of course they are small animals that get freaked out by motorized gadgets pressed up against them.
Imagine you're a cat. This giant paw, half as big as you are, is coming down out of the sky at you. Your close up vision isn't that great (true, cats are farsighted) so you can't tell what the hell it is, but you see it moving and to your super-sensitive ears it sounds like it's carrying a chainsaw. Not exactly a day at the spa, is it? Of course, if you don't like cats, maybe this is the item for you.
4. Vibrating Toilet Seat Johnny Henry (not to be confused with the steel-driving man) is a man of vision. When you or I hear "Shake that ass ..." blaring from the radio, we don't give it another thought. This man takes it to a whole new level. A Modern Prometheus, Henry ''wanted to add some life to the otherwise lifeless toilet seat.'' Jones County native Johnny Henry talks about his invention, the vibrating toilet seat. Photo/Eloria Newell James /Laurel Leader-Call
Unfortunately, like Dr. Frankenstein, I think Mr. Henry may have made a critical error. If you wanted to give life to an inanimate object, I'd go with a teddy bear, or a VW bug. Something that will be happy to be alive. The last thing I would pick would be a toilet seat. Face it: a toilet seat is going to be angry. And can you blame it? You think you have a %$#% job. And then it's going to extract it's revenge when you are at your most vulnerable. The lesson: Don't play god. There are things man was not meant to meddle in.
5. Vibrating Hand Vacuum Another common household appliance that I would never have picked for vibrating is the vacuum cleaner. According to the manufacturer, this vacuum uses a vibrating pad to shake loose millions of dust mites from your bed to then suck them up in the vacuum. That's a nice cover story, but we know better from the lesson of the toilet seat. It's obvious the hidden agenda of the vibrating motors is to infiltrate the most trusted appliances in our homes, then rise up and kill us in our sleep.
6. Vibrating Mushroom I don't know what to say about this one. It's a giant mushroom. That vibrates. Because you always wanted to sit on a vibrating mushroom. What's that? You didn't always want to sit on a vibrating mushroom? Well, somebody wanted to sit on a vibrating mushroom, and it wasn't me. I don't care what you heard. Or, slightly more sensibly, you could use it to massage your lower back. Or calves. (What the hell happened to her thighs?) Or, um, place a glass on it to mix cocktails. Apparently. I don't read Japanese. Is this how the secret agent Super Mario takes his martinis? Vibrated, not stirred?
7. Vibrating Mascara
While I admire efficiency, there's a point where the loss in quality is too much. Is it really a good idea to use this Estee Lauder TurboLash All Effects Motion Mascara with vibrating brush? Do you really want your hand to be shakier when applying makeup?
(AP Photo/Warner Bros. Pictures, Stephen Vaughan)
8.Vibrating Wrestler In the mid-1990's, a toy company called Original San Francisco Toymakers found itself with two things: the license to make toys for then-popular WCW Professional wrestling and a boatload of vibrating motors. Somehow they were convinced that this was their peanut-butter and chocolate moment. They were wrong.
I purchased one of these figures (of the wrestler ''Sting'') for a friend's birthday (he has since forgiven me). The figure, as seen here, was somewhere around 7 inches tall, wore makeup, had posable arms, and carried a black baseball bat accessory. Oh, and it had a button that, when pressed, caused the whole figure to vibrate. The arms didn't punch. The toy didn't jump in the air to perform some kind of body-slam. It just vibrated.
Now, there was no reason given on the packaging for this, other than to challenge the buyer to ''Try Me! Press Button!'' Was there a test groups of kids out there who told marketers that while they were interested in wrestler action figures, what they were really missing was vibration? If so, there needs to be an online database of these kids to alert us if they live in our neighborhoods.
The only use we were able to find for this figure was that, if you taped the button down, the wrester would have a seizure and skitter around the floor. This is known in the trade as "added play value." It is also known around the house as "traumatizing to children." Coincidentally, the WCW soon went out of business.
This all just goes to show, just because you can put a vibrating motor into something, doesn't mean you should. You don't need no bad excuse. If you must shake something, shake your booty.
--Dave Condehopes you appreciate the difficulty in writing this without featuring any classic "adult novelties" or 18th century "medical devices for the treatment of hysteria".Send your positive vibes and comments toandroidmanifesto@clear365.com
